Bruh!!! Its 2019 already! I am more excited about a new year than I have been in a while. The beginning feels different this year. I haven't made any resolutions, just some commitments to building better habits and giving myself the room to fail, re-assess and start again. It's already January 13 and I am just getting around to starting a new post but one commitment I made is not to pressure myself into producing just for the sake of it.
I am learning so much about myself and others that its almost astounding to me! Almost...I knew there would be a change if I left myself open to it and there would be a marked difference in the ways I view people and situations. I won't say I am happy, but I am moving steadily to a place of peace and healing. Peace and growth are so much more important to me than happiness in this season because if I can settle into a place of peace then I know everything else will kind of fall into place. I am learning to listen my body, to rest when I can as much as I can, to say no and to let folk sit in their own mess....lol!! If you want to live foul, you won't hear much from me about it.. I have my own bags to unpack and sort through.
As we all know, time waits for no man or woman, and I need to live this here life before I am left looking back at it, wondering where it all went! Happy New Year Guys!
So here's the thing...I am OK, like I am doing the things that I need to do and I am determined to create awesome memories for my son because he deserves the best life I can give him in spite of what I have going on BUT.....
I am still left feeling like I am sacrificing myself at the altar of doing only what is necessary and neglecting my dreams and deep seated desires. In a chat with a friend the other day, I was reminded to "find the joy!" I really had to think about what that was, then I remembered another conversation with another friend where she reminded me to keep doing this.....blogging, styling, taking pics and feeding my creative side, even if it was just for a few minutes at a time. She reminded me that this is where I would find and remember who I was outside of motherhood, outside of my job, outside of my failures in the relationship department because I was beginning to define myself by these things and events. Because I had defined myself by my roles for so long, when those roles did not work out or came to an end, I felt like I - the me person - was a failure. In reality the only thing that was no longer functional was that role! I was no longer a wife, I no longer worked at that dream job. Remove the role and I - the me person - was still there but who was she outside of the role? What drives her, what is her purpose in addition to the roles that she fills? I have to figure that out and fight to be her everyday and not drown in my role as mother, daughter, sister, friend.......lover?
Listen, the easiest thing to do as a mother and woman is to lose myself in the day to day performance of duties. But as a mother, it is important for me to maintain an identity and to live out my purpose so that my son will know that there is more to life than work, eat, sleep, repeat! In this routine of simply being, I have come to the conclusion that finding the joy sometimes takes way more effort and work than just giving up and settling (that word settling) into place and letting life carry you along. I have to fight to be more than mom, more than the go to chick at work, more than the head of my tiny household! Its funny but being me is way more than the sum total of the parts of who I am and I am determined to not only find the joy, but to live it out....FULLY!!!
So yeah....that's all the insight I have for now!! Love y'all for reading and empathizing! Oh and Merry Christmas from me and the Little Munch!! We cute out here in these streets!
I realize that I expect a lot of myself and that a lot of the pressure that I feel is self inflicted. If I am not careful, I will miss all of the joyful moments that I say I am looking for or working towards because I won't take the time to experience the ones that exist today! Last week Kim Porter passed away unexpectedly at the age of 47, she left 4 children and a world of loved ones behind. I am 46 and I have one child and the news rocked me.........
There is much I don't have and sooooooo much that I want to do but the TRUTH IS that I have more than many and I certainly have a ton to be grateful for! Instead of waiting for the perfect pic/photo shoot, I have decided to just share a post that is truly about giving thanks and being sincerely grateful.
I am a 46 year old single mother of a 3 year old. I have a place to live, food to eat, a car to drive and a job to drive it to.......I have excellent child care, excellent child care.....don't scoff at it, it's hard to come by! I have been blessed with a handful of friends who invest in me and my child through prayer, time and just listening ears and support when we need it most. These are also things that I do not take for granted - I am super grateful. I have my family!! We are not perfect but we love each other through all the foolishness, the highs and the lows and no matter what, I know that I can count on them.
I am not as healthy as I would like to be but that's in my hands to change and I am thankful that I can be honest with myself and say, hey girl hey......fix that! I am working on me, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually... it is a necessary journey and sometimes I pull over to the side of the road and think about quitting and then I remember the one thing that I am most grateful for...
I am most grateful for the gift that is my son. He came out of a time in my life that I thought would certainly destroy me - no lie. Emotional and mental abuse and manipulation is no joke and I am grateful that I got up and walked away. Walked away with my life and my son. He is the most challenging and the most rewarding experience of my entire life and I in awe of the gift that he is and the wonder with which he lives and sees the world!
I always want to do more and be more and live more but today, I am grateful, indescribably grateful for how blessed my life is. Today I want to just stop and say, thank YOU GOD! I see Your work, thank You!
What are you grateful for as Thanksgiving approaches........hmmm where is that skirt? Its perfect for holiday dressing isn't it?
