So here's the thing...I am OK, like I am doing the things that I need to do and I am determined to create awesome memories for my son because he deserves the best life I can give him in spite of what I have going on BUT.....
I am still left feeling like I am sacrificing myself at the altar of doing only what is necessary and neglecting my dreams and deep seated desires. In a chat with a friend the other day, I was reminded to "find the joy!" I really had to think about what that was, then I remembered another conversation with another friend where she reminded me to keep doing this.....blogging, styling, taking pics and feeding my creative side, even if it was just for a few minutes at a time. She reminded me that this is where I would find and remember who I was outside of motherhood, outside of my job, outside of my failures in the relationship department because I was beginning to define myself by these things and events. Because I had defined myself by my roles for so long, when those roles did not work out or came to an end, I felt like I - the me person - was a failure. In reality the only thing that was no longer functional was that role! I was no longer a wife, I no longer worked at that dream job. Remove the role and I - the me person - was still there but who was she outside of the role? What drives her, what is her purpose in addition to the roles that she fills? I have to figure that out and fight to be her everyday and not drown in my role as mother, daughter, sister, friend.......lover?
Listen, the easiest thing to do as a mother and woman is to lose myself in the day to day performance of duties. But as a mother, it is important for me to maintain an identity and to live out my purpose so that my son will know that there is more to life than work, eat, sleep, repeat! In this routine of simply being, I have come to the conclusion that finding the joy sometimes takes way more effort and work than just giving up and settling (that word settling) into place and letting life carry you along. I have to fight to be more than mom, more than the go to chick at work, more than the head of my tiny household! Its funny but being me is way more than the sum total of the parts of who I am and I am determined to not only find the joy, but to live it out....FULLY!!!
So yeah....that's all the insight I have for now!! Love y'all for reading and empathizing! Oh and Merry Christmas from me and the Little Munch!! We cute out here in these streets!